


Lord of the Stupids

by atomic_fanfics



Category: Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Genre: Crack Relationships, Gen, I hate this so much lmao, Jack Merridew is a SJW?, Jack Merridew is a piece of shit regardless tbh, M/M, Ralph is a piece of shit as well actually, Side note: the ships in this are a joke in this, Sorry Not Sorry, There'll be one ship that's somewhat serious and it's not tagged lmao, actually wait. I take it back, no really. The ships are used for comedy purposes., sorry Mr. Golding, swears and cussing galore, uhh this is really weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 09:36:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13478685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atomic_fanfics/pseuds/atomic_fanfics
Summary: Just a crack-pot retelling of Lord of the Flies. Jack's an SJW and a spy mom for thirteen or more kids. Ralph is kinda sexist in some roundabout way and calls Piggy weird names that aren't 'Piggy'. Piggy's happy he's not called 'Piggy', he doesn't give a shit what he's called as long as it's not 'Piggy'. Simon is a good Christian boy with a devotion to god and god alone. Roger's got homicide and killing the shy Jesus kid for Satan on his mind 24/7. Two littleuns don't know what the terms twink and gender stereotypes mean.I think William Golding is crying in his grave with disappointment all over his sad old face.I'm so sorry, you guys.**THIS FIC IS STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS! SOME STUFF MAY CHANGE!!**





	1. Chapter 1: Ralph

**Author's Note:**

> Now, this is still a work in progress so some stuff may change lol

Poof. You’re now an adolescent teenage boy. Your name is Ralph. You’re around 13 to 14 years old. You’re blonde and quite the good looker for a pubescent boy. You have a pretty decent life. I mean, you’re a middle-upper class white boy from England. Can it get any better? However, your life’s been flipped upside down due to a plane you were in crashing on a deserted island with what seems like no adult supervision. You meet this fat boy. He doesn’t give you his name he just says what you shouldn’t call him. So you decide to call him the disliked name, which is “Piggy”. Then you think of being respectful and want to call him something else.

“How about I call you food names?” You say to the fat kid.

“What?” He responds, utterly confused.

“I mean if you don’t want to be called Piggy, and I don’t know your real name. So why don’t I call you food names or something?” You explain.

“Y’know, I could just tell you my actual name and--”

“Nah, I’m good. Thank you anyways, Tabasco sauce.” You say. I’m starting to question your sanity, Ralph. You literally called this boy next to you ‘Tabasco sauce’. Anyway moving forward… Piggy doesn’t seem phased by the new name and you two continue to walk down the beach you were both walking on, that I failed to mention prior to this sentence. When I was explaining my error, you find a giant shell in the water. You pick it up. You look at it. It’s a giant shell that probably held an equally giant and just the more terrifying snail in it.

“I think that’s a conch.” Piggy says. “My friend, Edward, he used to blow into it and it would make a really cool sound.”

“Narly.” You comment. You blow on the shell, it makes a farting noise. You and Piggy, being idiotic immature boys, laugh because apparently, farts are the funniest things to boys your age.

“I’m gonna try again.” You say, still recovering from the laughing fit you just had. You do it again, this time it has a totally tubular and narly sound to it. You do it a couple more times. There’s a rustle in the brush. Two younger boys peep their heads out. Well, at least you’re not alone anymore. It’s now You, Piggy, and the two boys who might actually be a demon posing as twins.

“What’re your names?” Piggy asks. After talking to them for a while Piggy sits down and speaks,

“I understood nothing of what those two just said.”

“Why?” You ask, slightly confused and amused.

“Those two won’t stop talking together in unison really badly so I can’t hear a thing they’re saying.”   
“Ah, I see.” You say. A weird thought jumps into your head. Maybe the twins are pig demons and speak fluent pig latin!

“Don’t worry I got this, BBQ chicken breast.” You say to Piggy. Well, Ralph looks like your extensive knowledge of pig latin can be of some use. You walk over to the twins and in perfect pig latin you say,   
“Hey, do you two speak pig Latin?”

“Yes.” They answer, in pig latin.

“could you tell me your names?” You ask, again in pig latin. Then they speak in English.

“Sam.”

“Eric.”

“Okay, thanks!” You call out from behind your back as you walk away from them.

“So their names are Sam and Eric.” You say to Piggy.

“Which one’s which?”

“I honestly forget. Hey, why don't we just refer to them as one person!”

“Kind of like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern from Hamlet?”

“Uhhh, yeah. Sure.”

“Have you even read Hamlet, Ralph?” Piggy says.

“Uhh, no.” Piggy looks at you with utter disappointment and distaste. You feel uncomfortable and sort of uncultured. You zone out and look in the direction of the beach. From the distance, you can see that there’s a group of kids dressed in black robes like their from some kind of cult. There are small kids, tall kids, ginger kids, blond kids, the long story short you know there’s a large number of vaguely diverse white boys. There’s one in front who seems to be taller than the rest. The closer the cluster comes the more features you can see. The boy in the front is ginger, he’s also kind of awkward and gangly. The gaggle of boys following the seemingly older one reach the area you’re gathering at. The older kid is slightly taller than you by about an inch or so.

“Where’s the man with the trumpet?” He asks.

“Actually there’s no man and the trumpet’s a conch.” You feel kind of bad so you apologize.

“Oh, okay.” The boy raises an eyebrow at you. He rolls his eyes at you and takes a seat beside you.

“So, what are we gonna do?” You say.

“Well, we could try to start a system of living.” The boy says.

“That’s a brilliant idea! Thanks, man!” You break away from the conversation you are having with the ginger. Then as a whole group, you all elect a leader and some ground rules. You are the leader, and that ginger kid is like the co-leader. He controls his weird glee club or whatever it is, but you are the authority. It's kind of like how lions work, you think. The strong most likely gay ones are the lionesses and the true men are like the lions because they don't do much but they have control. Woah! Hold your horses buckaroo, that’s a little offensive! No, scratch that it's entirely offensive! What the fuck man?! Ugh, I expected more from you! Whatever I'm letting slide for now. Just try to keep it down a bit? Okay? Thanks. You and all the other boys are still at the meeting. You suggest that someone go check out the surroundings of the island if it is an island. You decide to go with the ginger kid whose name you found out is Jack, and Simon this tiny kid (but he's not young, he's like 13), to go explore. You, Jack, and Simon are just casually exploring the area. Simon is running ahead, while you and Jack are slowly plodding along behind him. It’s very awkward between you two.

“So… How ‘bout them Red Sox?” You say trying to break the awkward air. Jack kind of just looks at you. His expression is kind of unreadable. Like you know he’s judging you in some way, but you’re not sure what he’s thinking.

“I’m not a sports fan, sorry.” Jack explains. It’s now your turn to have a glazed unreadable expression. Your head is going into full-on damage control. There’s one thing going through your mind right now and it’s ‘shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.’ You’re kind of panicking. If there was an inside-out movie of you this would be the part where your little emotion people inside your head are livid.

“Haha, yeah! Fuck that sports shit!” You manage to get out, trying to be cool.

“Actually, I don’t mind sports that much. I don’t hate it.” Jack responds. You’ve done-did-it this time, Ralph! You’ve weirded out your co-leader. He probably thinks you’re a madman! I’m laughing my ass off over here.

“Oh- well… Sorry.” You say, giving up and facing defeat.

“It’s cool.” Jack says. Well, Ralph, my dearest idiot; while you were trying to impress Jack, Simon had found out that this was an island. He did it all by himself. Look at how competent he is! He’s gonna be a lawyer or some radical entrepreneur someday!

“Guys, it’s an island.” Simon says.

“That’s rad, Simon. Thanks.” You say genuinely happy for the kid because he’ll probably be some totally tubular manager for a charity someday.

“Okay, okay, that’s great, but can we please go tell the others? It’s getting dark.” After that, you all decide to go and tell the others.


	2. Chapter 2: Jack

You’re now Jack. It’s been a while since I last checked in on y’all, and I see it’s been going okay. So far what has happened is, you’ve eaten berries and fruit. You’ve tried to kill pigs with your choir now made hunters, you failed on multiple accounts. You have lost track of the time so it might be your birthday and you don’t know if it is, but all you know is that you just turned 14 a week before you were marooned. You and Ralph have gotten “married”. Now when I say that, I don’t mean you are in love with him and he’s in love with you. It’s kind of like you’ve gotten fake married, for convenience of course. You are the wife of Ralph and mother of like twenty-something kids. You really don’t like being called the wife. It hurts you and your fragile masculine ego. Your jobs as the mom include taking care of the hunter kids and occasionally the other ones, although Ralph usually takes care of the other kids. Oh, and you also have to get food while your husband does whatever he does, but he does something usually productive so you're not that mad. You thought it would be easy to be a working mom, but oh boy were you wrong. You think about your own mom. She was a single mom and she raised you by herself until she married a rich landowner somewhere back in England and gave into the patriarchal ways of society. You might not seem like it on the outside but you are a more or less hardcore feminist. Jack, I need to applaud you for being the only person besides that hippy kid, I think his name was Simon, that is pro-women’s rights n’ shit like that. You and Simon don’t really know each other that well, but you think you’d get along with him quite well. Simon’s kind of a loner and very quiet so you leave him be. Then there’s this other kid who’s always alone as well. His name’s Roger. He kind of scares you and I believe that he scares everyone else as well. He’s a lot like Wednesday Addams in a sense. He’s got one thing on his mind 24/7: homicide. Despite scaring you and everyone else, he’s actually really skilled and good at hunting so there’s an upside for having to deal with Wednesday Addams over there. You walk down to the lagoon with your children. You’re like a mother duck, sort of. You find some dark brown and reddish clay near the lagoon. You smear it on your face like war paint. You feel like that badass spy mom from  _ Spy Kids 4 _ . Now you’re ready to fuckin’ kill a pig and maybe save the world from a time machine or whatever.


	3. Chapter 3: Ralph

You’re now Ralph because I don’t want to give you the disgustingly gory details of the hunt. You’re very pleased with how everything’s going. You’re once awkward now actually kind of beautiful wife is doing his job. You get to hang out, eat fruit, and help build shelters. While you and Simon are chilling, you spot a boat on the horizon. You look to the cliff where the fire is supposed to be. There’s no smoke. Shit. The boat passes by without noticing you. You realize that your wife neglected to do her job. Speaking of your wife, you see Jack coming out of the bushes carrying a slain pig along with all of your children who seem to be on an adrenaline high and are so fucking crazed and hyperactive it physically hurts you.

“Where were you?” You demand in your ‘man of the house’ voice. Which is just your angry voice, to be frank. Jack stops, his face falling simultaneously.

“I took the boys on a hunting trip. They were hungry.”

“You let the damn fire out!”

“Huh?”  
“There was a ship and it didn’t see us because you let the fire go out.”  
“It was an accident! Do you think I knew? I can’t sense boats for your information!”

“You weren’t prioritizing correctly!”

“Well maybe if we took turns keeping the fire up we wouldn’t be in this argument! Marriage is about compromising!” Jack says. Jack is almost at the end of his rope with you, Ralph. You might want to watch what you say next, my dude. 

“No, Marriage is about working together and being on the same page!” You persist aggressively. oh my god. I told you to be careful! Look at him, Ralph. He’s seething. Let me break it down for you in your words. The wife always wins in an argument; and as much as I hate to go by that stupid stereotype, you’re screwed, buddy. Jack prepares for his mega combo breaking, HP destroying, so spicy it’ll land you in the hospital comeback,

“You- fuck.” His voice cracks a little and there’s a chuckle from the other kids. However, then he comes back full volume. “You stupid little twink!” Oh my god, Ralph! You got roasted big time! After listening to me, the narrator, roast you decide to try to top that comeback. Ha! Yeah right! You can’t top Jack’s roast.

“Hey! I’m not a twink! You’re a twink!” You say. My friend, that was lame as hell. It doesn’t even hurt him. He just smiles insincerely and flips you off. There’s an eruption of an ‘ohh shit! Dad just got roasted!’ sounds. It’s humiliating for you. Ralph, you do realize Jack doesn’t care because he knows he’s a twink as well, right? Like you’re equally if not more a twink than he is. Anyway, Jack stands up on a log that was there all along beside you two. He speaks firmly, with confidence. It’s like he’s thought what he was going to say through thoroughly.   
“Kids, I have decided to divorce your father. I’ve also decided to drop the whole ‘mom and dad’ thing. You can call me Jack from now on. Anyways our leader over there is sexist and forces gender stereotypes!” Jack sees that his whole ‘systematic oppression’ thing is making the kids eyes glaze over in boredom. He then adds, “Furthermore he doesn’t let us hunt. And from my experience of getting to know every one of you, I get the feeling that you all want to kill shit?” There’s a little bit of agreement from almost everyone, except you of course and a few other kids. “Okay! Let’s ditch this loser and go kill shit!” Jack finishes and the boys yell and screech wildly and then they all run off into the woods to kill another thing. A few younger boys stay but then kind of walk off to the woods slowly. You pick up on their conversation.

“Jared, what’s a twink?”

“I dunno, man.”

“Also who’s gender stereotypes?”  
“No clue, Tom, no clue.” They fade from view. The only people left are Simon, Piggy, and that pig demon posing as the twins. You all sit in silence, not knowing what to do. Then Piggy says something unexpected,

“Fucking assholes.”

“Szechuan sauce! Watch your language.” You warn him.

“Sorry!”

“Hey, man it’s cool.”

“What are we gonna do now?” Simon asks you kind of confused by why you just called the fat kid ‘szechuan sauce’.

“We’ll just have to wait and see, man.” You say as you look warily at the forest because the other boys and their bad influence, Jack, are doing who knows what to the animals in there.


	4. Chapter 4: Simon

It’s been a while since Jack and the other boys left the main group and started living out their days in savagery. They also cracked the fat kid’s glasses, so he’s half blind now. You also realized you don’t know his name other than all the weird-ass names that Ralph calls him. You’ve realized that Ralph is calling the fat kid food names. Also, you’ve realized that he has run out of food names and is now going on to names from movies, TV, and books. At one point Ralph called him ‘Cyrano de Bergerac’. Anyway, you are currently hanging out with Ralph, Sam, Eric, and the fat kid when and you hear this very distant screeching. It gets progressively louder until you see the other boys running out of the forest covered in blood and only in their underwear. It’s kind of scary. Jack is in the lead and runs up to the fat kid, slaps him, takes his glasses, screeches, and runs off to his tribe or whatever they call themselves. You look to the fat kid and he isn’t fazed by the slap at all. No, instead he’s seething. He gets up and faces the weird cult that Jack has started and as they are running off, shaking his fist, he screams at full volume,

“Get back here you motherfucker! I’ll fucking kill you and shit on your dumbass corpse!” 

“Jesus Christ.” You say, then realizing you’ve technically sinned you silently apologize to Jesus.

“Olivia Newton-John, calm down!”

“Sorry, man.”

“It’s fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> UHHHH... Hope that wasn't too scarring?? I'm sorry William Golding. I'm so sorry.


End file.
